I guess I should give you a little bit of personal background here - it's been a hard week or so. Mostly with myself. I don't want to talk too much about it, I don't want any pity, and I don't need any cookies or hugs or anything arriving at my dorm room door (though I would be pretty okay if you did want to send me a care package;)) but it has made me feel better to ask for help with some of it and put it out there. Anyway, here it is: I'm a perfectionist and have always set ridiculously high expectations for myself. That's always been the case, and probably always will be. And honestly it's great! I achieve amazing things because of it. However, when I don't do extremely well, or falter somewhere else, I kill myself with criticism. I don't really know how to put it all out in an organized matter, so please bear with me. Basically, I feel like a worse person now than I was this time last year - I have less energy to give to other people and not enough time to feed my inner introvert so that I can continue to deal with and even enjoy others. As a result, I've been sharp-tongued, prone to gossip, and just not very willing to give as much time and energy to others (I think because really I have less to give). Basically, I've been falling short in about everything I do, and for a perfectionist, that's pretty much a living nightmare. I'm especially sensitive right now, but it's totally fine - it's a trial that I'm going through and I'll be stronger as I endure it well and continue to work on everything with Heavenly Father's help. But yes, that's the background I'm coming from here.
So we're reading this super long chapter, and it's super cool. But then we get to Jacob 7, which is where Sherem is trying to convince people not to believe Christ or God or anything else that the prophets are saying. In verse 13, Sherem tells Jacob to "show me a sign by this power of the Holy Ghost, in the which ye know so much." And basically from that point, God smote him and Sherem began to preach good until he died the next day. But then, we remembered something from Matthew 12. Verse 31 says that "an evil and adulterous generation seeketh a sign." We wondered what the relationship between adultery and sign-seeking was. Then Brother Griffin pointed something out - both are looking for instant gratification. Both a sign seeker and an adulterer would say "I want what I want now with no work or consequence."Okay so that's cool, yeah? But then this is where Brother Griffin's words started to touch me - in order to know that Heavenly Father is real, or that the Holy Ghost can really touch us, we need to first have faith, and then exercise that faith. Brother Griffin explained that gaining a testimony is a slow process, much like growing an olive tree (tying it back to chapter five - hollaaaa). We have to be patient. And this is where I started to really feel enlightened - I can't be perfect in a day. The sorts of habits I'm trying to establish in myself can't be done in a day, or even a month. In order to get where I want to be, I need to be patient with myself. I need to always try, stick to my goals, and soon enough I'll get there. Maybe I'll fail sometimes, but as long as I'm improving, does it really matter?
The same goes for you. As long as you're setting goals, working towards them, and asking for Heavenly Father's help, you're golden. Don't expect him to make you the person you're supposed to be overnight, be patient with him, yourself, and others.
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